by Catharine L. Kaufman — a.k.a The Kitchen Shrink

“I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.”
Anonymous

“When I was a child, my mother said to me, ‘If you become a soldier you’ll
be a general. If you become a monk you’ll end up the Pope.’ Instead I
became a painter and wound up (being) Picasso.” –Pablo Picasso

The other day, while I was cadoodling around the mall, scoping out my favorite kitchen gadget stores and compiling a wish list for Mother’s Day, I ran into an old friend who was on a similar quest. “If only my kids would shop here,” she sighed. “My Cuisinart food processor is so old it’s starting to grow whiskers. Hope someone picks up on my hints for a new one…” Many of her past Mothers’ Day gifts, she confided, still languished in drawers, packed in their original boxes, with tags attached. Stored side-by-side are chocolate-scented perfume, a neon green pashmina wrap, and the disco-ball earrings which turn her lobes an almost identical green color. Yikes! This reminded me of an “I Love Lucy” episode, in which Ethel wanted a toaster for an anniversary present, but Lucy—deeming her friend worthy of a more glamorous gift—convinced Fred to buy his wife a pair of sexy cocktail pants instead. Ethel, of course was furious and chewed out Fred for not giving her what she wanted.
There is a lesson in this for all you guys and kids: If we ask for toasters for Mothers’ Day, that’s what you should give us.
So here I was on my culinary safari, hunting down some pretty amazing tools and adding them to my Mothers’ Day wish list, in the hope that my family will take the hint and buy them for me. I’d like to share my discoveries, so that you, too, can make your kitchen into both playroom and creative sanctuary. First, they now have adjustable measuring cups and spoons, so you won’t have to diddle with multiple spoons and a pile of cups. There’s one spoon that can morph from 1/8 teaspoon to 1 tablespoon, and one cup that adjusts from liquid to dry measures, and cups to liters.
One of my favorite gadgets is a “Digital Day Timer” that fastens to jars of food via suction or magnet, and tell you how long they’ve been vegging out in the fridge. This battery operated gismo tracks food for up to 99 days. A cousin to this toy is the “Freshness Detector” that rates the bacteriological activity of raw meat and fowl in less than a minute using a sensor device. There’s also a system that neutralizes bacteria on food and kitchen surfaces. Ordinary tap water is pumped with an extra oxygen molecule to create “super oxygen,” a safe and natural way of germ-proofing your kitchen with a simple spritz.
Since I love the taste of outdoor grilled foods, but am conscious of the health risks of eating BBQ, I coveted a heavy-gauge stainless steel mesh fry pan that sits on your outdoor grid and infuses the foods with a smoky, mesquite flavor minus the carcinogens.
I’ve also been on the lookout for a peeler that can shave the fuzz off a peach without pulverizing the flesh. “The Perfect Peeler” has a zirconium oxide blade that is close to the hardness of a diamond, adjusts from vertical to horizontal angles, and fits nicely into the palms of righties and southpaws. For 20 bucks, it better be a great peeler. Finally, all culinary elitists must own at least one Shun knife. I found a utility chef knife by Shun, considered a schizophrenic genius with a straight-to-scalloped blade that slices through anything from soft-skinned tomatoes to crusty-break-your-veneers sourdough bread without crushing or tearing the food. The blunt tip is also great for spreading and making sandwiches. Sixteen layers of stainless steel with an ergonomic design–this is definitely cutting edge.
Message to hubby and daughters: FYI, my Cuisinart food processor is also pretty beat-up. The 14-cup stainless steel model would be my pick. Are you listening?
I have just one more Mother’s Day wish—that nobody makes a mess in the kitchen on Sunday. Here’s a scrumptious breakfast dish that also fills the bill for easy cleanup. It’s an apple pancake frittata that you can make with your new gadgets, especially “the perfect peeler.” Happy Mother’s Day to all you “toaster moms!”

The Kitchen Shrink’s Apple Pancake Frittata
2 large Granny smith apples, peeled, thinly sliced
1 teaspoon of butter
½ teaspoon of cinnamon
½ teaspoon of brown sugar
Pancake batter (I use Whole Foods Organic Buttermilk, add an egg, milk and grape seed oil)
In a large skillet on low heat, melt the butter, add the cinnamon, sugar and apples, and pan fry until tender. Pour the batter over the apples and cook until set. Flip the pan upside down onto a serving platter, and cut into quarters like a pizza. Top with fresh whipped cream and caramel drizzle.

If you want to chew the fat, e-mail me at kitchenshrink@san.rr.com.— or at our blog-address: dinatalk@gmail.com